


Aren't I a fool

by babeyt33th



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Minor NSFW, Ouch, Pain, Projection, Sadstuck, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, cronus is a lonely fish man, i didnt mean that as in children btw, projecting onto my kins again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 05:20:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30134574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babeyt33th/pseuds/babeyt33th
Summary: angsty fic bc im projecting onto cronus and im depressed and therapy isnt working and everyone around will always see me as just a dumb playful horny kid but i really do wish i was worth more sometimes. i just wanna be held.
Relationships: cronus ampora/no one
Kudos: 2





	Aren't I a fool

**Author's Note:**

> TW for  
> sh  
> self degradation  
> nsfw
> 
> sorry in advanced

Oh I really do wish I was theirs. I wish I were wanted, loved, and held. Is that too much to ask for? I'm not completely sure…

I can close my eyes however, I hope to never wake up, but I know that’s simply not what's going to happen. I wish I didn't live in this reality. I shouldn’t wish for so much that I don't deserve. That's what everyone's thinking. Im a dumb lonely waste of space. Why couldn’t I have just simply died. Aren’t I supposed to be a highblood? Why am I so worthless?

I should stop spending Dualscar's money, I don't deserve anything, but can’t a man dream? 

I’m jealous of something unattainable but I don't care. Latula and Mituna are perfect for each other, why can't I have that? Why don’t they want me? Maybe they were right, everyone looks down on me but I don’t blame them. I want to be put out of my misery.

“Oh Cronus, blah blah blah, dumb dog boy, blah blah blah, go jerk off” is all I hear these days, i know they’re right but it hurts. Being such a useless troll. Why can’t I be better? Maybe I should just off myself.

They wouldn’t care, they’d get over it, and then they wouldn’t have to deal with my annoying ass. Jesus what am I saying? I wish someone could hold me, love me, I know, trust me I know it’s hard to see someone like me but please someone save me. I wish i could scream, rip apart everything in my home, and rest, I want a break. I want a break from all the judgement. I should just go jerk off.

I hope that one day acting this way will finally bring me joy. It seems I'm somewhat enjoyable, being the pathetic loser that people can look down at and think, well at least I'm not Cronus Ampora. 

Well I do have one outlet,,, it’s bad trust me I know, but it keeps me from falling apart. Cutting, seeing the blood pool out around me. That feeling of almost passing out, it allows me to rest for a second. Maybe deep down I do want someone to pick me up out of this pit and hold me till I feel better. It’s not like I deserve it anyways. No one will ever love me, I’m not worth anyone’s time. I’ll be fine don’t worry, I just simply have nothing to live for. Endlessly searching for that unattainable euphoria. 

I guess it’s not horrible to be a dumb mutt, except no one really wants that. I can’t do anything, I just need to rest. Can’t my time come sooner, I’m begging for peace. My words are all over the place, it’s alright it’s not like anyone cares anyways. I thought they did, I really hoped they did. I guess I was just too much, Kankri, what did I do. Why was I so stupid, why did I wait and wait, and beg, and hope, I knew he didn’t love me, but who can blame me, it’s not like I have anyone else. Maybe I do, maybe I'm ungrateful, but that just makes me more pathetic. 

What happened to me? Why can’t I be content, I need out, I need to be held, loved, or dead.  
I can endure a little longer. I’ll see my friends tomorrow. Not that it’ll make me feel any better.

It’s 11:45 PM, I know I shouldn’t, but who cares, I’ll just clean up the blood later. 

I get out my blades, they’re made for shaving but they cut my skin like butter. 

“Maybe I should try fat,,,” I whisper to myself. Eridan was already asleep so I tried to be careful. I decided to go for it, go for beans as the people would say. I grip the blade tightly and quickly with pressure, I slice open my thigh. Without much warning I see the fat bubble as it has now been exposed. Violet blood seeps out of my leg and drips onto my floor. Not so excited to clean that,, 

I can’t feel much as my leg starts to go numb, must’ve cut off a nerve or something. The pain rushes to my head instead. I start feeling dizzy, nauseous, and very very tired. Nowadays cutting or rubbing one out were the only ways I could fall asleep. God I'm pathetic, no wonder no one loves me.

Cronus, you’re being dramatic again. Suck it up. Of course people love you, you’re an ungrateful waste of space. You only go places to emit negative energy to everyone else. You should really just kill yourself, no one would care. You’re a disappointment. 

No coherent thoughts come out of me, no wonder everyone thinks I’m an idiot, they’re right. I should just sleep it off.

Who am I? I can’t quite answer that, can I. I think I want to be loved, that’s really it, I'm codependent. How pathetic.

I miss him, why won’t he love me. I’m not surprised I always knew he never really felt the same. I won’t guilt him, he has enough on his plate but god did it hurt. Becoming self aware, seeing how useless I am, seeing how pitiful I was for trying so hard for someone who wouldn’t even call me first. I knew it was temporary, and unhealthy, but I deserve to be hurt. I deserve the worst from people. I deserve every horrible comment I get. Maybe I wanted to be hurt by love. I’m not quite sure anymore. Useless, stupid, worthless, desperate Cronus. Never the first choice, but good enough to settle for. Why can’t I be loved by them? Why aren’t I wanted?

I want to rip out my guts, slowly so I feel it all. I deserve every splinter of pain I receive. Maybe i’m just a filthy masochist. That just makes me even more pathetic. But is it so wrong to want to be cut open and sewed back together with love? Of course not. We all want that pure true love, but sadly we don’t always get what we want. 

I’ll continue later I’m tired, maybe I’ll kill myself when I finish this.

**Author's Note:**

> wow you read it all, ty i love u btw <3


End file.
